Unless you’ve been under a rock in recent years, you are achingly aware that our nation is polarized. We are told that with each passing day, we are becoming more and more vehemently divided. I don’t know whether this is a fact, but since it is a widely-held perception, it deserves our careful consideration and response.

People keep wishing the polarization away, while also feeling resigned or at best, mystified about how to intervene. Let’s face it, it is super uncomfortable and virtually none of us are prepared to live in a world that is this ugly this much of the time. Those of us who don’t know how to artfully show up for tense, polarizing conversations tend to either attack, or withdraw. [If you haven’t been party to tense polarizing conversations in person, you need only spend 3 minutes on social media to feel the vitriol.]

Lest you think this is a post solely about US politics, it’s not. There are plenty of polarized workplaces, teams, and families—-so what I will say here applies across contexts.

First, we must understand that polarization happens most readily in a setting where issues and problems are viewed not as multi-faceted, but as binary. If there are only two views possible (“this one” or “THAT one”) it follows that you pick one, and the one you pick is YOUR pole to protect and defend.

Although this is a customary approach to problem solving in the US, binary thinking is not universal. For example, many Asian cultures eschew it, in favor of cultivating the capacity to tolerate ambiguity. But US culture is all about the “black and white,” the “either/or”—when in fact, most of life has a whole lotta grey. And that grey is getting greyer by the second!

A major drawback of binary thinking is that it is shallow, ignoring the complexities that we are facing and thus rendering us unable to generate the solutions we seek. Binary thinking forces us to pick between two things, creating false dichotomies that lead us further into conflict. What we need instead are new mindsets, and people willing to discover other alternatives, together.

To think outside the binary box requires a major shakeup in one’s thinking; for starters, we need to get far better at posing the real questions at the heart of our polarities. Rather than unconsciously thinking, “How can I prove to you that I’m right so you come over to my side?” we should be asking, “What is the core concern you have and the core concern I have–and what solutions or approaches might address them both?”

And, in a challenge to those of us who purport to embrace diversity, we should ask ourselves whether embracing diversity includes embracing people who have different values, attitudes, and behaviors than we do. Instead of wondering what is WRONG with “those people” for “not getting it” we could be asking, “Where is MY blind spot? What am I not seeing? Where is it possible that I am myopic, or just plain wrong? How can I be a little more curious and a little less judgy?”

This is a substantial shift in mindset from dominance to collaboration, and it is some of the hardest work humans can undertake. Thinking in the “both/and” arena requires deep self awareness and rigorous self management. It requires being both respectful and curious about a point of view you might prefer to dismiss. It also requires true collaboration with people quite different from you, and the willingness to grapple with the reality that some problems cannot be solved–they can only be managed.

Most people want an easy fix, where the winners win and the losers just shut up and go home. But managing polarities requires far more than that, calling us to listen, problem solve and CARE about the people and concerns at the opposite pole–now, and into perpetuity.

Bridging polarities is a commitment, not a one-off.

I think we have proven that the binary “you lose; ha-ha, I win!” is not a viable way forward for a diverse society. In what universe does it work to name-call, punctuate an argument with a mic drop, and strut away victorious because “they” have been silenced? Yes, I get it–“they” do this to “us” but really…how can you build a bridge when both sides are wiring it with explosives?

Bridging the polarization begins with each one of us. Not everyone has the skills or endurance to engage with “them” so I ask you to think deeply about whether you are someone who has the commitment and stamina to build bridges across polarized chasms. If you are not, that’s okay–there is still a role for you, chiefly: don’t make it worse by inflaming the situation.

Check yourself before you start a conversation with someone on the other end of a polarity. What is your intention for the conversation? Are you trying to change their minds? Are you trying to demonstrate how right you are? If either of these are your goals, save your energy. You might feel exhilarated for 10 seconds, but your behavior has just entrenched their polarization, and your own.

If your intention, on the other hand, is to understand, proceed. I hold the personal belief that many people who appear insane or idiotic actually are not—it’s simply that their experiences have shaped their values and opinions, just as mine have. If you are going to be a bridge, it behooves you not only to tell your story, but also to genuinely inquire about, listen to, and acknowledge someone else’s. If you are really present, your question isn’t, “How COULD you think that way?” it’s “What experiences have you had in your life that led you to this position? Can you imagine any set of conditions that would cause you to consider another position? What might those conditions be?”

If we ask “either/or” questions we will get definitive, unimaginative answers. Lifting ourselves, our teams, orgs, and society out of the tyranny of the binary means posing far more curious and nuanced questions.

If we hope to have meaningful conversations with people at the other pole, we can start by leaving “either/or” “black and white” approaches behind. And when we do, we will learn new things that will present other dilemmas, maddening and opportune. It will be ambiguous as hell, and it will take everything we’ve got to stay engaged.

Lots of uncertainty here, but one thing I know for sure: embracing the non-binary is our future.