I don’t live in the Middle East. I’m not a congresswoman working in American politics. I wasn’t at the school that suffered a mass shooting the other day. I’m not a pregnant woman in Texas, unable to get a legal abortion. But I read about it, and I cared about it.

I’m also not a leader in the traditional sense, or a manager of people. I don’t go to an office, and I don’t even work on a team. But I coach people who do, and I hear their bewildering stories and their pain on a daily basis. And it affects me.

Sometimes it infuriates me, sometimes it scares me, and sometimes it hurts.

We don’t have to be the direct recipient of carelessness, cruelty and chaos to be affected by it. And to be affected means that our nervous systems and our very selves are impacted–usually not for better, but for worse.

Since we are so frequently “shit show adjacent,” we must find ways to see what is, accept it, and work with it so it doesn’t wreak internal and external havoc. In my opinion, this is THE most important skill we can cultivate as leaders and as humans: to be clear-eyed about distressing situations, to cultivate acceptance (not resignation!) and to find a way to compassionately respond. And in the face of it all, to self-regulate our nervous systems.

Inner steadiness is foundational, especially in VUCA* periods.

Being clear-eyed under duress. I don’t know about you, but when something awful is happening, I pretty much don’t even want to LOOK. If I look, I risk feeling rage, grief, terror or shame, none of which are pleasant. It is natural to not want to go there.

But “going there” with some parameters in place, is the way through the duress.

Accept the situation. Acceptance means acknowledging what is. I don’t have to like it, or agree with it, or flatten myself into resignation. I can simply see the fact of it, for example, “my colleague doesn’t see my value” or “this project is going to be cancelled,” and be with it until a way forward shows itself.

Respond with compassion. We all hear the voice of an inner critic, and believe me, she doesn’t help. Berating oneself is mean. It doesn’t make you a better leader or human, it makes you miserable. Many years ago, I got a great piece advice from a teacher: talk to yourself with the same affection you would use to talk to your pet or a beloved child. Gently, kindly.

Learn to self-regulate. Being able to notice and intervene when you go into “fight/flight/freeze/fawn” is a critical skill. It is a practice. I know you’re busy, but there is nothing more important for you to learn.

If you would like executive coaching or leadership training that focuses on or includes self-regulation of the nervous system, please contact me at danamgallagher@gmail.com.

*VUCA=Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous

Out of the mud, the lotus…