A Gift!

Imagine receiving a gift.

You are probably picturing yourself extending your hands, taking whatever is offered, opening it with happy anticipation, and saying a delighted thank you.

Unless what you are receiving is feedback.

Although this is not so true for my colleagues in Japan, in California we spend a lot of time giving, getting, or otherwise contending with feedback. Feedback is the data that encourages, informs, and sometimes disturbs us. It is the information that helps us persevere, recommit ourselves, or course-correct.

Because of the way Californians think about feedback, we invest time in teaching people, especially managers, how to give it. At some point in most every management career, there is a mandatory workshop or training on the theme of “how to give effective feedback.” But even in feedback-friendly California, what I have never seen is training on “how to effectively RECEIVE feedback.”

Giving and receiving feedback cannot be entirely uncoupled; for every feedback-giver there is, by definition, a receiver. It is curious, then, that we instruct people on how to give feedback, but we don’t instruct them about how to receive it. Although most of us are happy to get complimentary feedback, it may be much more challenging to receive data that helps us to grow professionally (AKA “developmental feedback.”)

Until I worked in Tokyo, I was unaware that there is an art to receiving feedback. I once had to give some very difficult feedback to a Japanese colleague. To my surprise, he arrived at our meeting with pen and paper. He listened carefully and silently, taking notes while I spoke. At the end of the meeting, he thanked me. Although we never spoke of it again, his behavior changed dramatically, and I knew my feedback had landed.

Based on that experience, and much observation of feedback processes since then, here are my tips for receiving feedback graciously and effectively:

Be open.  Learning how others perceive your skills and behaviors can be of huge help to you in your daily work and in your overall career. Whether or not you believe the feedback to be ultimately accurate, it is always interesting (and useful!) to discover how you are being perceived.

However, we’ve all known someone who does everything they can to block feedback. Maybe they changed the subject.  Or became defensive, tearful, or even hostile.

Don’t be that person! Practice a stance of receptivity, even when you feel nervous about what you may hear.

The loneliest person in the workplace is the one who purposely deflects feedback. If you are consistently closed to feedback, people will give up trying to talk to you, and the silence will be deafening.

Listen until all of the feedback has been given. Although you may feel upset, it is important to let the other person deliver their entire message. If you interrupt, you will come across as defensive or resistant–even if that is not what you intend. So breathe, listen, and wait.  After all of the feedback has been given, you may then offer your view of things.

Get curious. Feedback is not necessarily “The Truth”—it is simply information about another’s perceptions. If you can suspend your personal reaction and just be curious about how you are coming off to your colleague, you may learn something important about his/her/their perspective–or about yourself.

Check your understanding. Sometimes feedback comes as a surprise. If you are feeling defensive, it can be hard to truly hear the content. Ask questions to make sure you understand what the other person really means—and does not mean.

Pace yourself. If hearing the feedback feels very overwhelming, it is OK to respectfully halt the conversation, think about it, and come back later to continue the discussion. However, if you decide you need a break, let the other person know when you will be available again to finish the conversation.

Use discernment. When hearing developmental feedback, our immediate reaction may be to either reject it all, or, to accept it all. Don’t make the mistake of either wholesale acceptance or total rejection of the feedback. Instead, take the time to evaluate all aspects of it. Here’s how:

Ask yourself:

• Who is the person giving me this feedback? Historically, have I appreciated their insights and observations? Do I trust them? Do I value their viewpoint?

• Have I heard this feedback from others? If so, when and from whom? Re-run the questions above.

• Do I myself suspect that this feedback is accurate? Do I share this view of my actions?

• Do I want or need to seek input from others whom I trust?

• Which aspects of the feedback sound accurate to me, and which do not?

• What are my blind spots? (By their nature, you probably don’t know what they are! Seek counsel from a trusted colleague.)

• What actions might I take to address this feedback? What actions WILL I take to address this feedback?

Take action. It is one thing to receive developmental feedback, but another to DO something with it. Once you have discerned which part of the feedback warrants taking action, do so.

Be appreciative. Remember that it is a risk for the other person to give you developmental feedback. Try to appreciate that they are attempting to bridge a gap, to improve your working relationship, or to help you.

If possible, go back to the person who gave you the feedback and let them know what you are changing as a result.

And thank them. Because whether it feels like it or not, they truly have given you a gift.