In a typical working day, I hear a dozen stories about work interactions gone terribly awry. Whether it be the drama queen who exhausts her colleagues with her latest antics, the arrogant guy who condescends to his peers one too many times, or the person who drops an F-bomb in front of the boss, these people have one thing in common:  an under-developed ability to self-manage.  Although these examples might seem part and parcel of working with people, they are actually breaches of professional conduct stemming from a failure to manage oneself.   And although some workplaces are forgiving of a lack of restraint, I believe this sort of sloppiness can be lethal:  to individuals, to teams, and to organizations.  In my view, the inability to consistently manage feelings, demeanor and conduct may well be the Number One toxin in the workplace.

I became acutely aware of this while working in Japan, witnessing Americans “going off” on Japanese colleagues.   In uncertain or frustrating circumstances, the Americans were likely to become bombastic,  to impatiently display irritation and condescension, and even to threaten or shout.  As I watched highly emotional Americans melting down in front of the outwardly calm Japanese, it drove home how rude and scary this sort of behavior can be.  Not only did it insult people, it didn’t work!

As Americans, we have the idea that whatever we say is important, that we have every right to say it, and if the listener doesn’t like it, well, too bad.  Although this cultural notion has its positive aspects, one must show discernment in demonstrating it, otherwise, an embarrassing self-defeat is inevitable.   But how does one cultivate discernment and restraint?

The first step is self-awareness.   WAY too often, I hear “That’s just how I am/That’s just how so-and-so is” as an excuse for displaying or tolerating bad behavior.   This attitude gives people permission to continue with bad behavior under the presumption that the behavior is immutable and therefore acceptable.  I simply do not believe “That’s just how I am” can ever excuse bad behaviors like negativity, gossiping, and bullying.  What this phrase really says is, “This is how I habitually choose to behave, and it works for me.  I have gotten lazy, and I am counting on you to excuse it.” And if the people and the environment do not insist on a course correction, the perpetrator is enabled to continue on with bad behavior intact, if not reinforced.

Obviously, each of us has habits and comfort zones.  These are routines and preferences, but they are NOT fixed.  And if they are not fixed, a free choice can be made in any circumstance to do something different.  This is the core practice of “self management.”  Self management is about assessing whether your habitual behaviors increase both your self efficacy AND the team’s function, and then making choices to punch out of habitually negative patterns.

This means exercising personal restraint at moments when you might be most challenged to do so.  “Self management” means:

-Holding back the snappy, sarcastic, or cutting retort, even when you are really annoyed

-Not swearing and not using sexual, prejudicial, inflammatory or other inappropriate language, no matter who is present

-Not dismissing or demeaning others by rolling your eyes or emitting exasperated sighs

Self management is not only restraining oneself from momentary lapses like these, but it also means consistently using self discipline to clip unprofessional behaviors like:

-Gossiping and/or spreading unsubstantiated rumor or speculation

-Routinely responding to managerial initiatives or coworkers’ requests with cynicism, resistance, and distrust

-Spreading negativity by continually whining and complaining without offering up solutions

-Bullying and silencing other people whose viewpoints differ from your own

-Being a know-it-all, unwilling to be challenged or to learn

-Using your rank, status, longevity of tenure, or other factors to intimidate or control others

The trouble is that managing one’s behavior rests on one’s ability to recognize these behaviors in oneself.  If I read out the list above to the average employee, it is unlikely that s/he would self-identify these behaviors as their own (even when everyone they work with is suffering because of it.)  This is because we tend to think that our bad behavior has a rationale that makes it acceptable, and/or, we underestimate how powerfully destructive it is.  Most people do not get out of bed each morning with the express purpose of making their workplaces hellish, yet, that is exactly what lazy and unaware behavior wreaks.

You cannot manage yourself if you are not aware of what you are saying, how you are behaving, and how you are impacting people.  So, start by simply noticing yourself.  Too many people are oblivious to what they are feeling and thinking, and how they are coming across.  Too many people believe “that’s just how I am”–which causes them to skip over the very area in which they need to change or grow. Too many people, under stress or in conflict, look only at the behavior of the other person, never questioning their own.

Every time we interact with a colleague, we are either contributing to or contaminating the workplace. NOTICE how you feel after each interaction.  NOTICE whether people greet you with a sincere smile, or sprint in the other direction when they see you coming.  NOTICE whether your coworkers approach you in a relaxed easy way, or whether they seem nervous to engage you.  NOTICE whether you get asked to be on that exciting new project, or whether you are excluded. And entertain the possibility that if your coworkers are avoiding you, it might be because of YOU and not because of them.

Cultivate the practice of asking yourself, several times a day:

-What am I feeling/sensing/perceiving/intuiting (with this coworker, in this conversation, on this team, etc.)?

-What am I doing to make things better?

-What is my part in making things worse?

-If I had a “do over” in this situation, what would I do next time ’round?

Shifting into a pattern of inquiry will help you to become curious about yourself and others.  In workplace interactions, I would encourage you NOT to look at the other person’s behavior, fixing blame on what they did badly or wrong.  I would encourage you to look in the mirror and decide what YOU could have done to change or improve the situation.  If everyone managed him- or herself well, there would be far fewer toxic workplaces and dysfunctional teams.

It is much more difficult to frankly appraise yourself and continually self manage than it is to blame someone else.  Self management requires courage, stamina, and rigorous self-honesty. I challenge you to bump your self management skills up a notch–and watch good things happen.