As a child, we had a ritual around the family table at Thanksgiving: my grandmother would ask us kids to say something we were grateful for. After much eye-rolling and squirming, each of us would come out with… something. Rather than being a real moment of introspection and appreciation, “saying what we are grateful for” felt like the password to unlock mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. We basically blurted out anything so we could start eating.

Today, my gratitude muscle is unfortunately flabby. I find myself wishing I had been regularly asked (and had asked myself) for my gratitude list. Like many people, I sometimes take my abundant gifts and advantages for granted, while over-focusing on what’s bad and wrong. This skews my attitude and makes me miss a lot of really good stuff. And THAT makes me more prone to anxiety, depression and numbing. It’s hard to self-regulate when my thoughts (even if they are factually correct!) tip so heavily to the down side of life.

I’ve thought a lot about gratitude, how one cultivates it and how it enriches life. I used to think gratitude was natural for those with sunny attitudes or church upbringings, or something else I hadn’t experienced or possessed. But actually, gratitude is available to everyone.

In any life, there are always things to be grateful for, but they can be overshadowed or less obvious in dark times. It’s great when life’s headwinds can cause us to be grateful for the times the wind was at our backs, or the people who walk alongside us, or the dog that snuggles, or the flowers that cheer the kitchen table. And it’s good to know that even when things utterly SUCK, there is likely to be an opening, a hint of potential, a sliver of hope. Even the darkness contains little sparks of light, if you get quiet and look.

But this year, Thanksgiving feels especially tough. So many people are frightened, infuriated, and heartbroken; looking for silver linings seems ridiculous. In this emotional state, it can be hard to seek the leavening that gratitude can bring.

Fortunately, we humans can feel more than one emotion simultaneously. Feeling scared, angry and sad does not permanently banish our ability to feel calm and joyful.

I’m not advocating denying or ignoring true and difficult feelings. Or minimizing and putting a positive veneer over them. What I am saying is that feelings tend to be impermanent, and multilayered. Sometimes oppositional feelings coexist, and with time, even the most soul-searing feelings can give way to some sort of acceptance.

For most of us this isn’t organic; we have to practice it. And to practice it, we have to be present. I can’t possibly be grateful for someone or something I didn’t even notice. Even if you are a “glass half empty” person you CAN hone your ability to notice what is going right, and you can amplify it with your curiosity and attention.

When your brain gets asked a question, it will go in search for the answer. The quality of your answers is a direct result of the quality of your questions. (This is why wailing, “Whhhhyyyyyyy?!” doesn’t usually help much.)

To get some inner balance, support your brain to ferret out items on your gratitude list by asking yourself:

-When did I say “thank you” today?

-What looked/smelled/tasted/sounded/felt good today?

-What made me smile or laugh today?

-When did I feel connected to others today?

-When did I feel purposeful today?

-What functioned the way I expected, in other words, what didn’t go wrong today?

The answers don’t erase difficult emotions, but they can provide a healthy counterbalance to the darkness. Even if you have to look hard for something to be grateful for, doing so will lift you up. When the external world is dark, you’ll do better if your inner light is ON.

When you are asking “What am I grateful for?” in a way you are also asking, “Who am I and what matters to me?” What you are grateful for are the people, places and things that provide fortitude and joy, in dark and light times. These are not only your cherished inner resources. These are the scaffolds on which your identity, values, well being and very LIFE are hung.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you the joy of genuine gratitude, and to those who celebrate, a happy Thanksgiving.

*Thank you card available at jaymespaper.com.