In my 3 part series on building resilience in a VUCA world, this last installment is about connection. When things are volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous, many of us sideline connection, choosing avoidance, numbing, or hunkering down instead.

Because VUCA environments are swift and often unforgiving, it is perhaps natural to just want to drop out and catch your breath alone. This is okay sometimes, but we have to be careful not to isolate.

In my observation (and experience!) there are two connections that are easily lost under duress: connection to self, and connection to others. We need both in order to protect and build our resilience.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m deeply troubled and distressed, I walk around in sort of a haze, not wanting to acknowledge, much less FEEL my feelings. While this can seem like a self-protective choice, if I do if for too long, I disconnect from my self. I don’t actually know how I’m feeling because I’m worried it will be too painful. It’s a bit like carrying a heavy sack that has things moving around in it–I feel dread and fear and thumps to my back, but at least I’m not opening the sack, bracing myself for whatever snarling creature might pop out.

Unfortunately this backfires, because the more you keep those snarling varmints in a closed space, the more they replicate (and poop:)–so when you do look in there, it can be pretty unpleasant. But look in there we must, to reckon with the anger, sadness, fear, guilt or whatever else is trying to get our attention. Basically, if we don’t know what and how we feel, we cannot have a secure connection to self.

A secure connection to self is what tells you when and how to best connect to others. Connecting to others does not mean making endless coffee dates, attending events you are tepid about, or talking up strangers in the grocery store. Connecting to others starts with knowing how you feel, what you need, and how much you have to give today, in this moment–and reaching out to others from there.

I’m an introvert, and I’m not particularly fed by or comfortable with small talk, especially with strangers. However, I have realized lately that making small talk with people I don’t know is one way I actually feel our shared humanity–something I really need right now. I haven’t become the Chattiest Cathy in the world, but I do push myself outward a bit more, to say hello and share a few words. This helps me to feel a little bit better about other people, at a time when it’s easy to be suspicious and cynical.

With people I know well, I have made time to feel whether and how I might like to deepen my connections with them. I have much more of a sense now of who drains me, and who provides uplift–and I am purposely gravitating toward those who enliven me, and away from those who don’t. It is the quality of the connections, and not the quantity, that counts.

Bottom line: pulling away from self and others may seem self-protective, but ultimately is alienating. Invest the time it takes to connect with yourself daily. Take emotional inventory to learn how you feel and what you need, and how much you have to give. From that place of loving connection to self, you can much more mindfully make personal and professional connections that nourish–not siphon–your resilience.

*VUCA=Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous