The VP who has an “open door policy,” but a closed mind. The director who talks incessantly about his hobby. The supervisor who plays favorites. The coworker who over-shares about her personal life.

What do these people have in common?

Whether they know it or not, each of them has a professional persona crisis. More specifically, they have social skills deficits that affect how others perceive and interact with them.

I can imagine some of you reading this and thinking, “I don’t mind if people talk about their hobbies at work,” or “So what? We all like some people better than others!” But here’s the thing: even though you or I may not be offended by the behaviors described above, lots of people are. And they do not wear signs identifying themselves, so you cannot know who minds, until after you’ve done it. I learned this the hard way, my particular vice being swearing at inopportune moments.

Once in a light moment with an executive client, I dropped a curse word, expecting to get a companionable laugh. Instead, I watched my credibility shatter into bits at my feet. It took an embarrassment like that to realize that swearing was not some small, quirky, or harmless behavior. Instead, swearing affects how people perceive me, how approachable they feel I am, and whether they think of me as trustworthy and appropriate.

Maybe your issue isn’t swearing. Maybe it’s iffy hygiene, gossiping, or helping yourself to your coworker’s lunch. Whatever your particular shortcomings in the social realm, they are part of your professional persona–and they matter.

Social skills are a critical element of professional persona because they are about relationships, about connecting and interacting with others. Yes, technical competence is critical, but no one works in a vacuum and expertise alone is not enough to get the job done. We need each other, and with any luck we enjoy synergy with each other. Therefore, the importance of social skills cannot be overestimated.

When it comes to social skills, clients most often seek my coaching to focus on their approachability and appearance, and to improve their reputations as cooperative team players. Usually they’ve gotten some sort of negative feedback about the way they affect others. And often they are surprised at the feedback because they themselves do not feel unapproachable or uncooperative.

Most of us underestimate the damage that lack of social skills can do at work. First, we tend to think that social skills are for parties or for meeting new people in our private lives. Because we are not at work to socialize, we may not understand how social skills still come into play.

Second, because we know from the inside how we feel, we tend to give ourselves a pass for poor social skills when others might not. Or, because we can’t see what we look like from the outside, we don’t accurately judge how our social interactions are actually landing. It’s hard to see ourselves as others see us, because, well, we’re “in here” and they’re “out there.”

To help my coaching clients think about their own approachability, I ask them,  “What do you think it’s like to bring you a problem? To interrupt you when things are chaotic? To ask you for help?” Just like you, your colleagues want to be met with your helpful interest, not dismissive negativity. By stepping outside yourself, you may more easily see how you are coming across. It may hit you that responses like, “that’s not the way we do it around here,” or “we tried that 5 years ago and it didn’t work,” are the sorts of statements that make you unapproachable.

Approachability is not only about having an open stance, it is also about aligning your nonverbal communication. Those who are most approachable do not roll their eyes, cross their arms, or emit exasperated sighs when their coworkers talk. Approachability is about demonstrating authentic congeniality.

Approachability and appearance are closely intertwined. When we are getting ready to approach someone with a question or problem, we naturally assess their receptivity by checking what they look like. Do they look anxious, harassed, or edgy? If they do, we will probably wait until they appear calmer.

Assuming that one is well groomed and conforming to dress code for one’s workplace and industry, let’s talk about other aspects of appearance. For example, what do you look like when you are thinking about something? I personally have gotten feedback that I look intense or even mad when I’m thinking. Because I know this about myself, I watch others for signs of concern or alarm.  I will tell people, “If I look intense, it’s because I’m considering what you’ve just said.” Giving people context can help explain a “resting” or “thinking” face that is off-putting.

You may not have “the face” thing, but there may be other aspects of your demeanor that make you less approachable. It is worth asking trusted colleagues for feedback about it, and then experimenting with your demeanor, even if you do not FEEL the way people are perceiving you.

Finally, I’d like to touch on cooperation and being a “team player.” I was privileged to attend TEDWomen 2015 last month, and to see Margaret Heffernan’s TEDtalk in which she said, “Helpfulness is absolutely core to successful teams.” I encourage you to watch her talk; the link is below.*

I’m going to go out on a limb here and call out what I see as the biggest obstacle to cooperation and team playing: selfishness. This has many faces, be it competition, self-aggrandizement, or passive-aggressiveness.

I’ve seen this selfishness in both the US and in Japan, although they look quite different. In the US, we teach people that distinguishing oneself from others is important, and so we often have to contend with individuals who are intent on their own agenda, to the detriment of the team. In Japan, where team work is prized over individual contribution, people may “hide out” in the team, making little or no contribution and expecting the team to carry them. Both of these behaviors are essentially uncooperative with the mission of the team as a whole.

Detecting this sort of uncooperativeness can be done by asking oneself, “What is in it for the team if I continue to act this way?”–and answering yourself honestly. If the benefits to the team are less than they are to you personally, then you have a professional persona crisis.

This takes me to the last point about social skills and professional persona. Assessing them requires rigorous self honesty, and then willingness to experiment with new ways of behaving. Above all, we have to find our own authentic expression of cooperation, of approachability, and of being a vital and contributing member to our team.

* http://www.ted.com/talks/margaret_heffernan_why_it_s_time_to_forget_the_pecking_order_at_work#t-293139