Recently, a client of mine made a sizable mistake, one that was causing a major setback for himself and for his team. Anguished, he asked, “Please, can you fix this?  Or better yet, can you fix ME??”

Later that day, another client was complaining bitterly about one of her direct reports, whose behavior was extremely irritating and destructive to the entire department.  The client said, “I’m afraid that this ‘bad apple’ is going to poison the whole team.  Can’t you please PLEASE fix her for me?”

There are a lot of good Organizational Development consultants and executive coaches out there, and I count myself among them.   When we are doing our best work, we can facilitate change, coach executives to excellence, and guide groups to evolve into high functioning teams.  We can even foster individual and organizational transformations.

What we cannot do is “fix” another person. And you can’t, either.

In a previous blog post, “The Biggest Management Challenge Ever: Yourself,” I talked about self-management as a core skill in the workplace. Since writing that post, my conviction has further deepened, and I now believe self management to be the single most important skill for anyone working anywhere.  (Not to mention anyone living anywhere.)

In order for any individual, team, or company to function well, it must keep its curious and critical gaze primarily on itself. Too often when things go wrong, we point the finger at what the other guy did wrong, and take our focus off what I myself have done to contribute to the problem, and therefore, what I could do to be part of the solution.  

I see far too much emphasis on blaming others for what “they” did, while rationalizing and excusing what I did–to the detriment of everyone involved. If problems, issues, and concerns are only looked at as external things happening to us, over which we have no control or responsibility (read: response-ability), then workplaces can never hope to grow or improve.

Happily, it is becoming a bit more commonplace for a client to ask for my help in analyzing what she or he has done to contribute to a problem or issue. Increasingly, people are understanding that work is a relationship, and that even when I do not have direct control over decisions that are made, I do have direct control over how I function in the framework of that decision.

I can hear some of you thinking, “Well, that’s easy for her to say–she’s not at MY workplace, where ‘x’ horrible thing has been foisted upon me.” There is no doubt that sometimes difficult, uncomfortable, unfair, flat-out unjust or totally stupid things happen at work.  The challenge I want to pose is this: when something “bad” happens, how can you redirect your reaction to the only place you have control, meaning, inside yourself?

To be even more specific, let’s say that you are working with someone–let’s call her Laverne–who is a loudmouthed, discourteous, lazy oaf. She doesn’t do her job and she’s effectively bullied everyone, including the boss (let’s call her Shirley).  It is valid to expect and hope that Laverne would be held accountable for this behavior by Shirley and that in short order, Laverne would be more respectful and hard-working, or, she’d be gone.

But so often this doesn’t happen, and when it doesn’t happen, the people around Laverne and Shirley are in pain.  They are mad, afraid, frustrated. They rightly believe that Laverne shouldn’t act that way.  They rightly believe that Shirley should be effectively managing Laverne’s performance.  And they probably spend a lot of time complaining to each other about what Laverne and Shirley SHOULD be doing.

It is tempting to go ’round and ’round, alternately bemoaning Laverne’s Evil Queen antics and Shirley’s spine-free management style.  The trouble with doing so is that it is doesn’t improve the situation, and, it distracts people from taking effective action in the only place they truly can:  inside themselves.

In this situation with Laverne and Shirley, it may seem like there is nothing to do BUT gossip and complain about it.  But there are many possible actions, if you get your eye off Laverne and Shirley and refocus on yourself.  

One way to do this is to ask yourself some questions, for example:

-What can I do to constructively set limits with Laverne?  Have I talked to her or have I talked to other people ABOUT her?
-When Laverne tries to bully me, how have I responded?  Whom have I told, and whom have I enlisted for support?  Do I have the skills I need to interact with her?  If not, where can I get those skills?
-Is there anything I can do, within professional limits, to support the positive behaviors of either Laverne or Shirley?
-If this is completely out of my control, but I have some ideas to make it more tolerable, who should I tell?
-If this situation is completely out of my control, and I am miserable, what should I do next?
-Do I myself need to leave this situation?

You will notice that none of this is about changing or fixing Laverne and Shirley, it is entirely about self management. You may be righteously indignant that THEY are the ones who ought to change, but that is not within your control. Only you are.

In the arc of any career, there are many difficult people, challenging conditions, and flat out injustices.  Sometimes you will have the ability to make decisions that impact many others, but often you will not–no matter how high you ascend in the organization.  Learning how to look at oneself first, no matter what is happening around you, will increase both your personal efficacy and ultimately, your response-ability.